The Funniest Marriage Tweets To Get You Through This Week

Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between. Somehow the married people on X, formerly known as Twitter, continue to find humor in the minutiae of wedded life.
Every week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets on the platform. Read on for 20 relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
Are you there, unoccupied surface space? It’s me, one of my wife’s hair ties.
Sometimes, just for laughs, I text my husband, “Where are you? I’ve been waiting 20 minutes!” even though he’s literally in the next room. He doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do.
You call it Halloween, I call it the anniversary of finding out my husband thinks the candy is called 𝑤ℎ𝑜𝑜𝑝𝑒𝑟𝑠
Wife and I are having a little dinner/target date night. When we got to Target I asked if she made a list. Her response was “no we are going to let Target tell us what we need”. Pray for me y’all.
Me: Which Crocs match these sweatpants? Pokémon or American Flag? Wife: Miranda Priestly would absolutely hate you.
You think you know your husband then out of nowhere find out that he’s weirdly proficient in Excel.
Traveling alone is wonderful because that way I can have my husband at home in case I need to FaceTime my dog
When my mother-in-law responds to my text messages she either replies immediately or a few weeks later, there is no in between
My husband watched some YouTube video and wants us to adopt a healthy lifestyle where breakfast is a bowl of cauliflower and broccoli drizzled with olive oil. So I’m obviously leaving him now.
My husband wants to know why the kids are his and not “ours” when they do something wrong, as if I make the rules.
My wife just asked me to install a new shower head and I feel like I’m training my replacement.
you know you’ve given the husband a bad chore when he tries to get out of it by doing dishes
I don’t want to scare anyone, but my husband is coming down with a cold
My husband told me I needed a shapeup and said I had the Gene Hackman hairline. #romance
About 30% of my marriage is convincing my husband something was his idea so I don’t have to do it.
Having your own bed while married is crazy—got my body plopped in the middle—-remote on one side—ipad on the other—bag of snickers over yonder
remember that time I ruined my husband’s proposal because it was cold and I refused to “go walk down and look at the lake”anyone else play themselves
Maybe you’re not really passive aggressive, maybe you’re just married.
I sent my husband out with a list of stuff I needed, and he actually came home with everything I asked for. I don’t know whether to be impressed or suspicious. I’m going to need a minute to process.
Where’s the butter? -my husband, holding the butter